She Didn't Know
Tuesday, November 3, 2009 at 08:00AM 
Her father pulled back the curtain, motioning me to step into his single-room home. There I stood just inside the doorway, like an intruder. A woman with white skin and crazy hair. I lifted the camera to my eye and discovered her fear. No one has ever looked at me like that. She didn't know that I just wanted to see her. To know her. To remember her. The day we traveled out to the villages with Arusha-based non-profit BEST to visit their clients and touch the hands of these gentle people shook me to the core. I looked out the window and cried that day. I didn't have enough time with them. I didn't have anything to give. I felt so unworthy of their presence. And so I threw up an angry prayer asking God how he could let his people suffer like this and I asked him why he sent me when I had nothing to offer. "What am I supposed to do?" I asked in frustration.
"These are my people. I want you to know them. I want you to love them. I want you to help them," was my answer. And I have to tell you that I'm struggling with this. I don't know what to do with this answer, but it weighs heavily on my mind. I guess for now, I want you to know them too.
BEST, arusha, tanzania in People, Picture Hope
Reader Comments (13)
You are offering all you have. That's all you can do! And following God's will is more powerful than following your own.
thank you, it is a blessing to know them through your images, to raise awareness and move others to want to offer something
My tradition teaches: "It is not your obligation to complete the task, but neither are you free to desist from it." (Rabbi Tarfon, first century CE, from the Talmud: Ethics of the Ancestors [Perkei Avot], 2:21) Absent this sage advice from one of our teachers, I would collapse trying to help repair all the brokenness, and end up creating more mess than I found.
You are at the right place and just in time. Being present and witnessing seem like nothing, no "doing." Wrong. Keep on being who you are. And may this frightened child and the human family worldwide know the blessings of peace and justice.
oh Stephanie, if only you could see yourself like I see you right now.
you are doing so much more than you can imagine.
right here, right now.
Love.
what you have to give is inspiration. you inspire others to do good. you are putting the element of peace out there into this crazy world. with your images and words. you give to so many.
many that you have never seen.
will never know.
you give so much. but you aren't able to see it for yourself.
have faith that what you do blesses so many.
again. thank you for sharing this journey.
I am in awe of you. How brave you are to ask God the question and listen to the answer. Too many people are afraid of the answer. I know it is overwhelming, but you will find a way. You are already making a difference - touching the lives of these people in far away lands and those of us sitting at home and marveling at your courage and vision.
Your comments are so thoughtful. I appreciate you taking the time to share them with me. Thank you.
Ah Stephanie, you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. You ARE enough. Believe it.
You're stepping in the right direction.
Keep trusting.
Sometimes I think there is nothing more powerful to give than an "I see you" without judgment. I can't imagine the ache of only getting a glimpse of these precious lives. Your photography is powerful in capturing the essence of things. I look at this and see the proximity of her to her father, the mosquito netting, the kind hands of your subjects. Your work cultivates the openness that allows so many of us to see what would go unseen and through the lens of hope. I honor the courage it takes for you to be with this work.
the brutal truth is that we are not caring for the poor, and that god isn't going to reincarnate anytime soon to fix it. unless that reincarnation is me and you. i'm with you, sister, no rest for the wicked until we rearrange our lives to care, to provide, to be still with everything that ails us all.
If I have to guess I think you will find your answer in the struggle.